I am tired!!!!!!!!
My internal scream whose echo rumbles through my inside like a massive nonstopable earthquake. I am not tired of working, studying or the daily. That tiredness is physical and psychological. It is normal and comes with this thing we live every day called life. The tiredness that shakes my soul is a deep one. It is one that no spa, medication, meditation, or excersise can relax. Is that one that consumes the soul.
That tiredness that comes from trying on my own. Trying to submit to the Word and see how it does not sink into my heart but like a slow passing wind drifts out of my mind. Then without notice a stronger wind pushes me into what I do not want to do. I am tired of pretending I can handle it. Like moving sand I sink slowly in the idea I can control the situation. I am tired of not getting into my head that I need more of Christ! That without Him I am lost, abandoned and in a pit. I am tired of going into the Israelite cycle of sin, repentance and forgiveness and back again. What can I do? My heart is burdened. My eyes are full of tears which refuse to come out from the shame of one more time realizing I failed in my attempt to please God. I am tired of being a stumbling block for others those that looked to me in a time where I was firm on the rock which is Jesus Christ.
Now the question that rises is what can I do? Keep relying on myself and keep believing that I can control the situation? Will I give up and lay aside the wonderful salvation and eternal life Christ has given me?
I REFUSE TO!!!!!!!!!!
If I place on one side of the scale what the world gives me and on the other what Christ has given me. I would tell you the abundance mercy, grace, love, joy and security that Christ has given me outweighs all. Not by an ounce or pound but by the weight of His blood that was shed for me. It’s my place to honor that blood, that sacrifice that was given for me. I have to honor the God whose love can never be measured.
Tiredness comes. I, as many of you, may be tired of the fight and sometimes wanting to give up wanting just to rest from the fight. But what would be the point of receiving a rest that is temporary and artificial and its end is death. Tiredness is there. The pain is there. What I chose is to give everything to Christ even if it hurts me. It may take some time and maybe restrictions or even giving up things. All comes to that moment on the Cross and the sacrifice that was given for me. In the end the benefits outweigh the present pain.
For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory…