Why do I fight?
What good is it to my life?
The struggle inside
Of doing my will
Or following Christ’s
Hard I excuse
Bringing to my human mind
Incomprehension of the Divine
For it is not my mind who needs
To bring reasoning to this
But my spirit in me
Listen to His Word
Accept and keep
Though my ways may seem good
The future is only known to Him who
Is the beginning and the end
The maker of heaven and earth
Him who always knows what’s best
I relinquish my will to His way
Having assurance in me
That His will is always for my good
Even when I don’t think
Time has passed from the In My Thoughts I post. I am continuing it with the issues of life that I have encountered…the rest goes with the wind of inspiration that may come.
I have found out that the greatest moments in my life have not measured up to the societal standard that the happy moments should be your greatest. Many are. The real truth is the moments that have marked my path and have geared me towards who I am now are the ones I have failed. Did I fail? The count is endless! If you tell me you have not, I got news you MAY WANT TO. It is through all my failures and discontentment that I have found my joy.
This may not make any sense to the average “I am, wanna be and will be over ALL circumstances perfect gal or guy.” I can talk about them cause I was one . I was not raised with perfectionist drilling. Being the only child, the center of attention, provoked, I think, the need to be acknowledge more than the norm. That in itself was my first failure. My thinking kept organization, dictation of high standards and absolute control the sources of the satisfaction I craved. Oh, how meticulous I was! All in perfect order to the point that the criminal investigator inside me will pop up as soon as I noticed something was not to the expected structure and measurement. You may now be like the cheek blushed emoji thinking, yep that is me. If not, I am glad you are what society may call a normal person at least in this area.
I was just consumed by the constant desire to achieve everything the upscale standard it should be, at least for me. I found myself in constant frustration of never being able to achieve it. The worst one was when I thought I could serve God perfectly. Every time I failed (I blind folded the part that it will happen) frustration embarked me in the most horrible emotional and unstable thunderstorm that one could bear. When I failed I didn’t see God as the forgiving and understanding God. I saw Him as a perfect God who wanted perfect people serving Him with no lower standard than His own. How hurtful was this on my heart. Until one day I questioned myself. My mind was so exhausted of revising everything I did and evaluating every situation to make sure I did things right. I asked, why was I hurting myself with something I could not have control of? Then all came to me.
Failures are inevitable. The is no way around them, but there is a way in between them that leads you to grow. I recognized that I will fail. When you think about how many failures have showed something greater, something deeper, have motivated you to keep on and have eventually make you look back and laugh at the situation you almost died going through then the sense will kick in. It is not my pleasure to fail, but sometimes I am glad I go through it.
In every failure God keeps teaching me lessons about Him. Most importantly, He has made me know more myself. Yes, how can one know itself out of failures? Easy when through them you realize your impossibility of being and doing everything. You then realized your need for God is more heavy in your life that you have realized. It is that way you accept your weaknesses and bring them forth to God and rely on His strength.
How many times I have heard that internal voice in my head yelling those words like an offbeat band drummer. Sometimes, I suppose, you have too especially when it comes to prayer. I have encounter numerous episodes where praying has become more of a literal (1) praise then…God I am here, I need you, I need you!!!!!!! Then off I go to the pouting for the un answered requests. I keep on overwhelming myself and God with the unfulfilled demands that blind my spiritual discernment. As I say them each is giving a nudge in heart that certainly I am doing something wrong. Not that I pay much attention. That is when my friend WHYYY? Comes along. He starts creating analogies in my brain through the prayer. Why this, why that, why not now, I hope you get my point. This brain storming then provokes the popping in the corner of my brain Mr. WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! This one being more emphatic than the previous because of its idea of self-righteousness and admirable service to God. It makes us believe service guarantees ALL of God’s blessings and NO hardship. After that comes his pal WHEN! He does not have exaggerated continuation letters because it doesn’t whine; it just demands. Its demands are not based on the direction of the Word or the direction of the Holy Spirit. It emphasizes on the inconceivable notion inside of my brain that I know better than God. It brings a claim to God to do what He has promised when I want it to happen because that is how it should be. These three are just a few that come knock on the door in my brain with the prayer sign of “do not disturb” which they seem not to respect. They do not respect due to the ease of access I give them. Something bigger than my thoughts allows them in. It is selfishness inside my heart that allows their visit and stay. The saddest part of all is not the way I am praying, but that in this “praying” I am fighting and bickering towards God. I have forgotten others that really need prayer. Not only have I forgotten, but I have let my selfishness feed my unbelief instead of feeding my faith that God will help me through everything, will take care of everything in my life I have no control of, and knows everything that I need to supply it. More than that it has made me oblivion that God knows the EVERYTHING!
How many times has God reminded me that prayer is not about me. Yes, we need prayer and is our conversation with God. It is where we pour our hearts out to Him, but when prayer is just for you and never for others we lose the essence of prayer in our lives. I realized not long ago this. When I saw prayer as a given powerful gift to help those in need and not to get my demands fulfilled I came to appreciate not only the prayer most importantly the time in prayer with God. Not only does this realization made me understand the importance of getting over myself and what I want; but it has also brought me to realize the enormous and precious gift we receive when praying for others. This gift is simple God hears our prayers for others; attends their need and ours.
What I truly learned is that the greatest outcome is the selfishness is broken and stripped from our hearts. An unselfish character full of meekness begins to be transformed in us for God’s glory. Let us pray for others with more fervent passion than we would do for ourselves. There is so much to pray for. There are Missionaries, Pastors, teachers and so many loosing their life for Christ’s sake. I hope dearly we can realize the great importance that prayer has and that finally we could be able to get over ourselves. There is an urgent need to pray.
1 Thessalonians 5:17
…pray without ceasing
…pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you
Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart
…pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
What is that thing that a woman so much longs for? What is that desire that makes us different from the man? Why was our creation so unique?
All these questions have come to mind at least once in my life time. Now at 30 years of age I am pondering on them more. I am not asking them because of my status, which by the way is single and no kids. It is not because I have reached the philosophical age in my life where I have the insane maturity to analyze and determine all things. I have reached the point where I do not ponder on the thought of where I have come to be in 30 years, but on where I am with God and where He wants me to be. This is not a time to analyze what I have lost, but analyze what I have not found. Those things that God has determined for my life since the foundation of the world that were to be given to me and I was to receive during my life time. Have I received everything that God has intended for me to receive? If I have not being able to receive them through the years, how can I still receive them? Am I worthy of God still fulfilling everything He designated for my life? The answer lies in the preciousness of His Word.
Have you ever encountered a person who God uses to speak to you and through them God reminds you His promises? When you think about what God has told you, you realize it’s the same thing that He has told you throughout the years. There, sitting down, you start thinking: God, why are you telling me the same thing which never happens! What is the point on God telling me over and over what He has for me? It is simple, you have not yet achieved it or have given up pursuing it. When God reminds you of them is because His word is truth. God is the same and He does not turn back His word like man does. The same things He determined for our lives since the foundation of the Earth, the creation of man-kind and those given to you during your life time are still obtainable. His promises are true!
God has designated wonderful things for our lives. For us women God’s plan was tender and precious. We were created in a gentle manner and care. God made us from the rib of man. I will not take you into a creation analysis, but a simpler path of discovering those things that were designated for us women since before the creation and how they are still waiting for us to reach to God and receive them. I will not tell you this is a simple matter of serving God and receiving the blessings that He gives us in our daily life. I will tell you this is a deeper perspective.
God has placed in his Word the wonderful guidance for women (and men if you came across this) to understand how a woman of God should act, think and be virtuous as the one mentioned in Proverbs 31:10. Since our creation was so unique so is the treatment and dialogue that God has with us. God has determined for our lives wonderful things. He knows what real happiness is, and wants to share His comfort of love and give you the privilege of a profound intimacy with Him. You may say that the same things were determined for man. The real difference is not whom, but what was predestined since the foundation by His greatness to bring that forth to our hearts for understanding.